Publisher's Synopsis
Once upon a time, I was a very young and inquisitive student. I studied well and had a fairly broad outlook. I always liked to learn something new and by the time I moved on to the 3rd year of university, I tried a lot. I had friendships with completely different people, visited several countries, jumped with a parachute, rode a motorcycle, played football, performed on stage, had bad habits, participated in fights, met girls, went to parties, and enjoyed life in everything its diversity. My destiny was full of moments when I wanted to shout with joy or howl with sadness, feeling my heart tearing apart with pain.
Later I began to think that I would hardly be able to apply the acquired knowledge in the existing system. I began to see that all people have different worldviews and levels of intelligence. All my hobbies no longer brought satisfaction, and after another party, I felt really bad. Friends left over time, girls changed, nothing mattered much. For the first time in my life, I discovered a new sensation for myself, opening the meaninglessness of everything that happens. The lies, misunderstanding, indifference, and cruelty of people to each other, which I observed around me and in the world, plunged me deeper and deeper into thoughts, and depression more and more often took me into its strong arms.
I began to look for meaning in the abstruse philosophical books of the great minds of the past, but I could not understand the depth of their thoughts. At night I sat in front of a computer screen looking for the unknown to help me gain the understanding I longed for. After completing my studies and receiving my diploma, I looked at it as if it was an ordinary paper. Nevertheless, I decided to continue my studies in another country in the hope that I will be able to find my place. Arriving there, I forgot for a while about my mental anguish, plunging into a new environment, but as soon as everything went back to normal, my depressed state returned to me. Unhealthy lifestyles and negative emotional attitudes made me feel worse every day.
One warm spring evening, sitting with friends at the bar and drinking, I felt a sharp pain in the right hypochondrium. It darkened in my eyes, and I felt how quickly I was losing consciousness. At that very moment, a thought flashed through my head like a bright spark: "Is this the end? Like this? Here? ...". Unexpectedly for myself, I realized that I was not at all afraid of dying, no. The only feeling I experienced then was regret. I regretted that I had managed to do so little, and most importantly, I regretted that I had not understood anything. Why is everything happening this way, who am I and why did I come to this world?...
