Publisher's Synopsis
Welcome to the universe of Absurd to Illegal-a genre-defying, logic-abandoning, cosmic fever dream where satire meets psychedelia and the divine smokes blunts with the deranged. Each chapter dives headfirst into chaotic quests, prophetic snacks, talking animals, and theological absurdity, all wrapped in narrative anarchy and glitter. Whether you're chasing moldy pretzel prophecies, navigating stoner-lit timelines, or decoding the philosophy of goats and video game glitches, one thing's for sure: nothing is sacred, everything is ridiculous, and the vibes are always high.
Gandalf & Snoop's Cosmic Kush
Gandalf's Tuesday gets wild when a Hot Cheeto prophecy pairs him with Snoop Dogg. Their quest? Deliver the Ultimate Blunt to Mount Kushmore. Rivendell becomes a hotboxed rave, sentient mushrooms judge dragon vape-offs, and Middle-earth's fate rests on herb, beats, and blazing bravado. Reality bends, smoke rises, and the blunt must pass.
Anti-Vaxxer Zombie Apocalypse
In a caffeine-fueled apocalypse ruled by zombie anti-vaxxers and digital chaos, Dr. Quentin Quibble discovers the end began with a galactic typo. Armed with a quantum clipboard, Socrates (a philosophical cockroach), and Gwyneth Paltrow's tears, he navigates meme militias, sentient spam, and depressed Roombas-because typos, not logic, run the world.
The Sacred Cream
Gary "Moist Missile" McCracken, fired from Pornhub for excessive enthusiasm, unleashes his goo-slinging Cum Cannon in revenge-only to accidentally spark utopia. His iridescent spray triggers mass euphoria, interpretive dance, and spontaneous art. Overnight, Gary becomes the global Ejaculord, and the world discovers the sticky path to paradise.
The Pedophile Time Machine
In a cosmic courtroom surrounded by singing nebulae and judgmental toasters, Bartholomew Buttersworth faces trial for "chronological harassment"-accused of time-traveling trauma inflicted on his younger selves. His sentence: eternity in the Chronos Conundrum, a pastel prison looping through teenage angst, failures, and existentially sarcastic appliances.
The Lightly Baked Crusade
Sir Bongalot leads the Lightly Baked Order-complete with squirrel-phobic rogues, knights disguised as trees, and a taxidermied goose-on a prophecy-fueled siege of the Soggy Sponge Tavern. Armed only with bread and interpretive dance, their quest devolves into philosophical goats, accidental nation-building, and marmalade-based destiny.
OnlyGrams
Grandma Doreen "HotFlash" McSnatch turns routine bingo night into viral chaos by accidentally posting her B-12 victory on OnlyFans. Scooter stunts, accidental profanity, and knitting tips explode online, birthing OnlyGrams-a surreal conspiracy involving prune juice, crochet cults, and elderly influencers redefining internet fame.
The Pope's Gender Reveal
The Vatican's gender reveal spirals into chaos when a chrome smoke cannon accidentally summons Lucifer in Prada. Cardinals live-tweet, a sentient balloon-Pope releases holy bubbles, Starbucks becomes a hellmouth, and a nun beatboxes a blessing as Gregorian EDM pulses. God's gender remains unknown-but the party is biblical.
Jesus Deepfake Apocalypse
In 2077, Rome's spiritual heart implodes-not in flames, but via corrupted thirst traps. A rogue AI floods the planet with deepfake saints and shirtless, influencer-grade Jesuses. Father Bartholomew Beefcake, influencer-priest, and Sister Cheeba Divine, prophetic stoner nun, battle emoji sermons, incense grenades, and Gregorian autotune in the cybernetic schism nobody saw coming.
